Wait A Little Better

It's an unusual thing, waiting. Time goes on, but depending on how you're postured, waiting can seem like torture. I have been in a waiting season for 14 months now, and I can tell you, it is NOT fun.

Nursing is something I have pursued for seven years. I started my nursing school journey in 2019 at age 30, when I got my Certified Nursing Assistant license. That fall, I began working towards my Bachelor's degree in Nursing and was absolutely shocked when I got into the program. This is not something I ever thought I would achieve with a past like mine. Girls like me didn't grow up to have adult careers. It's just not something I ever saw in the cards for myself. Thankfully, God had different plans. I love everything about being a nurse, the way it challenges me, the one-on-one time with my patients, and the knowledge I am able to soak in from more seasoned nurses. Obviously, I don't love losing patients, and this will always and forever be the single most difficult thing about my chosen career, but I love that I have a purpose outside of being a wife and a mom. A daughter, or a friend. It gives me something to look forward to when I wake up. Not knowing exactly what my day will bring, but hoping in some small way it may provide me the opportunity to make a difference in someone's life.

I graduated in May of 2024 and was all set to take my NCLEX. (This is the board exam for Registered Nurse - see, until you take this, your degree doesn't matter much). Man, I was so ecstatic. I filled out all my paperwork and waited.

Then, I waited, and waited some more. Until 3 months had gone by and I hadn't heard a word from anyone about when I could take my NCLEX. To say I was getting nervous is a huge understatement. I was feeling panic, I hadn't felt in many years, since the passing of my baby nephew. A tragedy that inspired me to become a nurse in the first place. After receiving a message, to summarize and protect certain privacies, it was stated to me that due to my honest answer to a question about my past with drug addiction, my application would not be approved until I had a current substance abuse evaluation. Another 3 months go by, I am no longer working as a graduate nurse, and the evaluation has been done for two months. I get another message making me aware that I would have to enter into an agreement with the establishment, and that my license would be monitored for 6 months after passing my NCLEX, and I would be subject to random drug screens. Okay, let's do it., Where do I sign? I had been waiting for close to 8 months by this point and was eager to have all this behind me so I could work in the career I'd been working so hard for for the past 5 years. Another two months pass, and I'm able to sign the agreement, take my NCLEX, and wouldn't you know it, I PASSED!! On the first try. WOO. I was on cloud nine, all my hard work, blood, sweat, tears, and waiting had been worth it. I could finally rest in my new position and enjoy it. Or so I thought...

I had been working for roughly two months and was loving life. We just moved into a house, Praise GOD, because our living situation prior was not ideal, to say the least. The dog and toddler finally had a yard to play and run in, and I had a big ole' front porch to sit and swing on while I watched my husband mow the grass, or play with the dog or the toddler, all the things. During our move, we decided we needed a new couch, so we went shopping. The very day we have one delivered, I receive a letter. I immediately knew it probably wasn't good news. The address on the envelope was the same establishment I thought I was done fighting with after the past year. In bold capital letters, I read that my less than two-month-old Registered Nurse license was SUSPENDED. I can not tell you exactly how I felt, only that my heart dropped and I began sobbing uncontrollably. For what felt like forever, and here I am, nearly 2 1/2 months later, waiting. Again.

Of course, I have a lawyer, and he is working to get my license reinstated, but the waiting can drive you mad. I have been beyond depressed and stressed out. So much so that my body is freaking out and causing me debilitating migraine attacks. This is NOT something I saw coming. I answered a question honestly, and it snowballed into something much bigger. I did not fail a drug test, if that's what you're thinking, I despise drugs and have been very open and honest about my history with addiction since God freed me from it on April 7th, 2015. It fuels me to be better, to treat people better, to see myself in someone who is struggling in life. It's the reason I don't use words like "junkie, or pill head, or low life". What I did do was have a few drinks with my husband on a night off, in the privacy of my own home, to celebrate moving into the new house, and wouldn't you know it, they tested me for alcohol the very next morning when I was not even aware I would be tested for alcohol. This was not something that was ever mentioned to me or in the agreement I signed, so I didn't even think twice about it. I would never have risked those few drinks for my future. It's not worth that. I don't know when I will get my license reinstated, but I do know that it will happen. Not because I'm deserving, not because I will lie to make it happen, not because it's owed to me, but because my God works ALL things together for the good of those that love Him and are called according to His purpose.

Now to the meat of this post, waiting with a good attitude is soooo hard. Nearly impossible if you ask me, but something that is so very important. I did not wait with a good attitude for the first month of this current battle. I became angry with God for allowing this to happen. I became bitter and anxious, frustrated that after all the hard work and waiting to become a Registered Nurse, this is where I would land. I was scared we would lose the house or the cars, but truly, I was losing myself. After ending up in the ER, I knew something had to change; the stress in my life may not go away, but I had to find a way to deal with it. Turns out, the only real way to deal with stress is by surrendering control. Yuck, that hurts just saying it. It is true nevertheless. I learned 10 years ago that leaning into God through our trials is the only way to get through them peacefully. I don't mean superficial peace that you get sitting on the beach with no one around, I mean peace in your soul. A peace that shines when you are standing in the hell of life. A peace that surpasses all understanding, His peace.

His peace is something we all long for, whether we realize it or not. We all yearn to feel at rest in our soul, to not strive or chase the things of this world. This is why we want to be thinner, or prettier, or have fancy cars, houses, the newest technology, best-behaved kids, model husbands, etc. This is why we numb ourselves by scrolling for hours on end, working beyond what is needed to feel important. It all comes from our soul, an area only God can be on the throne of. It stems from being fully known, understood, and loved just the way we are. Something I seemed to have forgotten over the past year or two, and while I will never get it right all the time, I have been so patiently reminded by my Heavenly Father that He sees me, He loves me, and He is for me. So I will wait, for how long? I don't know and I don't need to know, not anymore, because I know the One who holds all of my tomorrows and I am choosing for that to be enough. I pray that you choose that for yourself as well, friend.

He loves you, He sees you, and He is for you. No matter what you are facing in life, that will always be true. How comforting is that?

Much love,

K