Sober.

There are so many days I think back to the person I used to be and wonder where I would be now if I had not gotten clean and sober. I wonder if I would even be alive. More often than not, I take a breath and realize I likely wouldn't be. Does that make being clean and sober easier, no, it doesn't. Most days I wish I could unwind and relax like a normal person without it leading to the destruction of everything I've worked so hard to build these past 10 years. The hard truth that I tell no one is sometimes I miss that feeling, the rush of a high kicking in and my pain, troubles, and stress fading into the background. Like for a brief moment I can fully breathe in and out deeply and feel happy, not feeling the weight of everything I've been through and am going through now.

Here's the thing, even though I have these moments I choose to continue and stay clean and sober. I choose to stay clean and sober. Because that's what it is, a choice. It's a difficult choice when life rocks you, but a choice nonetheless. These past couple years of my life have rocked me like I never saw coming. I thought I would be in a different season by now. I was "supposed" to be in a different season by now. Living in the fruit of the planting and sowing I've done for the past 5 or 6 years. But here I am, waiting, some days patiently like waiting on a good casserole in the oven, some more like waiting on the microwave to heat up my coffee for the 3rd time. I mean, I graduated with my Bachelors a year and a half ago, and since I have worked as a grad nurse for 3 months, then a patient care attendant, or nursing aid for 6 months, then an RN for 2 months, now I'm a patient family concierge, or a secretary if you aren't versed in hospital lingo. Still waiting on that RN title to be restored. I'm in debt, in doubt I'll ever get there, and impatient to say the least. Here are some of my favorite things I've heard over the past year or so, you'll get there and it will be so worth it, one day at time, God's got you, His plan is better, it'll happen before you know it, I can't imagine, and my personal favorite, you're not a nurse yet? Nope. I'm not Karen. I am, but I'm not. It's a long story. Yes, God's got me, but this still sucks.

Now, I know I sound bitter and ya know, maybe I am just a tiny bit, but more than that I'm angry. God has brought me so far since that day in April 2015 and I am eternally grateful. I am, but really? All of this was because I was honest on my application about my history with drug addiction. Since when is it okay to punish someone for speaking the truth? Well, I guess the person to ask this question to would be Jesus. He is well-versed in this topic.

On another note, I love the hospital; there's just something about it. I always have, since I was young and volunteered as a, help me out older crowd, "candy striper." Someone asked me if I was the little girl in The Parent Trap when I was taking them up in the elevator to see a patient and I've loved it ever since. Both my parents worked in the hospital during my earlier years and it's always been somewhere I felt comfortable and safe. Some people working in the healthcare field seem to hate being there, and here I am, secretly feeling empowered every day I walk through the doors. Lol. Surprisingly, it is the easiest place for me to stay sober. When I am there, I am fully focused on the people I am caring for, my crap gets left at the door and they get my full attention. Does that mean I don't have moments of humanity, no, but it does mean that I try not to carry my own baggage through the doors and unload it on anyone. I've been on the other side of it and you can tell when someone just really doesn't want to be there or isn't happy with their job. It could be their marriage, their bank account, their family, etc., but you can definitely tell when someone isn't in nursing for the right reason. Which is something that baffles me. Why would anyone willingly go through all the schooling, sleep deprivation, stress, and frustration of becoming a nurse if they don't really like people very much? Money? That's not really a great reason, but I suppose that is what drives a lot of us, especially these days.

At this point, I feel like I know nothing. All the school, time and preparation studying, clinical hours, graduating, have faded and I don't know what I'm doing. I think that scares me more than anything in the waiting period. What if God was wrong about me? What if my license is restored and I can't do what He has called me to do? Did He really call me?? I know He did, because there is absolutely no world in which I would have chosen to become a nurse on my own. God used the death of my 5-month-old nephew to wake me up to the possibility. I suppose I could have turned back to drugs; they would have comforted me. For a little while. Until I woke up in a stranger's bathtub, like I had done many times before Jesus, not knowing how I got there. Ashamed, broken, confused, and stuck in the same day over and over again. Like a freaking Groundhog Day from hell. For those who don't know, that is exactly what addiction feels like. Living the same pointless day over and over until you either wake up and do something different with your life or die. So don't get it twisted, I am thankful not to be dead. But what about the in-between?

In between frustrated and thankful, what do you do there? Well, you wait, trust that God will be faithful even when you aren't, believe that He really does have good when you can't see it. Praise Him because I'm not who I used to be, and humbled because I am not who I am going to be either. I need Him for both. Both aspects of my life need Him. Shew, the way I've been feeling lately I need Him every second, cause I really feel like I could slap someone the next time they tell me it'll be okay. What if it's not okay? My nephew dying was not okay. Me being sexually assaulted was not okay. The abuse I have dealt with in my life is not okay. But God has and will continue to use it. Every time. This time is no different. I may not feel that in my heart, but I know it in my soul because I've been doing this with Him long enough to know He wastes NOTHING! Me not being able to practice as a Registered Nurse after I worked and fought so hard to get it is not okay, but He won't waste it. I know that much. Today I am not okay, but ask me tomorrow, and I may have a different answer.

Despite all the frustration and disappointment I feel right now, I am thankful to be able to feel it sober. I would rather feel all the fear, stress, disappointment, rage, sorrow, and sadness than sleepwalk through the rest of the life I don't even deserve to have.

Much love,

K